the things you do when you're waiting

You know, people tell you, and you tell yourself, that you'll "know when it's time" but that kind of feels like a bunch of crap.  I don't know.  I feel like if I wait until I know, it'll be inhumanely late, but I also don't want to jump the gun.  My cat Stella, who the vets told me had kidneys that didn't want to work anymore about a month ago, isn't doing so well.  I went in to work on Monday after having a pretty crappy weekend involving a lot of crying, and I just couldn't do it - my head wasn't in the game and I was having trouble feeling like I cared as much as I needed to about stuff at work.  My manager, who I would not necessarily expect to be very sympathetic (he's usually mister all business), has been great - I told him that I had some vacation time and it suddenly felt to me like I'd rather take time and spend it with her while she was still here.  So I've been home with her - basically just hanging out in the sewing room while she tucks herself behind chairs (i think it's that animal instinct kicking in when they know it's about time and they need a place where predators won't find them) and sometimes totters out to get some water, but not food anymore.  I'm hoping that spending time with her now will help me when she's gone and I'm awfully thankful for the luxury of being able to do it.

So some of the things you do when you're just moping about in your sewing room, and watching, and waiting, is read short stories, listen to book reviews and This American Life on podcasts, and sew together a bunch of little felt rabbits.  5 for your nieces and nephews, and 2 for your manager's 8 month old twins to say thanks for letting me hang out with my ailing cat.